Issue 16
Toss
John A. Ward
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Gizzard Stones
Somebody starts a rumor that throwing rice at weddings is hazardous to birds. The grains swell up and block their intestines. They bloat, balloon and eventually explode.
Ornithologists know it's hogwash. Birds have gizzard stones that grind seeds
to powder, but the average do-gooder doesn't know and starts throwing
breadcrumbs instead, which get soggy on rainy days and stick to the wedding
party. Croutons are next, stale bread, diced and spiced that inexplicably
become a delicacy on salads. But it gets out of hand. In an effort to outdo
the Joneses, the missiles of celebration escalate through crullers and
Kaiser rolls until wedding parties are pelted with whole loaves of French
bread. Tempers flare and the event erupts into a fencing match, the families
of the bride and groom thrusting and parrying their hard crusts like
Montagues and Capulets.
Cooler heads declare a truce. Soap bubbles become the projectile of choice,
until ornithologists are finally consulted. "Gizzard stones!" they shout.
"Gizzard stones, you idiots." The public is aghast. To throw gizzard stones,
they would have to rip open the very birds they are trying to save. From
this the less gruesome tradition of throwing rocks at newlyweds is born.
~John A. Ward
John A. Ward was born on Staten Island, attended Wagner College in the early
'60s, and sold his first poem to Leatherneck Magazine for $10. Email.
© 2004 by John A. Ward. All Rights Reserved.
© Copyright 2004 by Cayuse Press. All Rights Reserved.