Issue 14
Hope
KR Mullin
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The Hope Test
Good morning, Mr. Chestnut. So, you're applying for a hope implant, is that correct?
Okay, well, to diagnose the severity of your hopelessness, I'll ask you to stamp on this pad whenever a red light appears on this screen while you squeeze this handle -- good, now we'll see if you...
I said stamp, Mr. Chestnut, not tap -- that's better!
On red, Walter, not crimson!!
C'mon, Wally, put some effort into that squeeze, willya? That's better!
Now then: how old will you be on your twelfth birthday?
Don't stop, Wally. Can't you follow simple instructions?
And don't STOMP on the pad; that's no way to treat our equipment, is it, Willy?
IS IT?
All right, that'll do, that'll do.
Well, I don't even need to read these data to know that you're not hopeless, Mr. Chestnut. I mean, nobody would take that much abuse unless they're hoping for something, right? And the way you kept trying to adapt to my absurd directions suggests that what you really need is more faith in yourself. Now, we can test the depth of your self esteem with this little cattle prod -- Mr. Chestnut, come back!!!
~KR Mullin
KR Mullin lives in South Jersey, works at the veterinary hospital at the University of Pennsylvania, and is a Weight Watchers leader when not writing.
© 2003 by KR Mullin. All Rights Reserved.
© Copyright 2003 by Cayuse Press. All Rights Reserved.